This picture was taken on June 29, 1998, my Dad's 43 birthday, on our way to dinner at the Mirage Hotel. Little did any of us know that this was the last birthday my dad would have.
Yes, that is me in the green dress... I like to think that I am like my dad when it comes to parenting styles, a bit overprotective, often laying with my kids till they drift off to sleep, strict with grades, often spoiling them, there for everything that's important to them... however - I am very certain that my dad was crazy to let my sister and I wear dresses that were that short... I am also very certain that Kirsten will never have a dress like either of those in her closet.
That summer was one of the best summers of my entire life - or maybe it was just the timing of it. I went to live with my dad that summer and there are a few things I can recall...
- A home renovation like no other. I'm serious - the whole "living area" of the house was being redone - the kitchen, living room and a bedroom... For weeks,... yes, weeks, we ate dinner on the porch. I remember the day my dad was sanding the spackling on the sheet rock and how silly he looked when he took off his goggles. haha... He was head to toe dust - except where his goggles had been.
- I also remember that I spent most of that summer working on college applications. I took the ASVAB (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery) with full intent on going into the National Guard. Both my grandfather and my dad had been in the military and I wanted to join... My dad did everything to talk me out of it - though I know he would have supported my decision had I decided to join.
- Finally, I spent my summer learning how to drive in my dad's red Chevy pickup. You want to know how to make me cry instantly...? Well, there are a few ways, but one of them... Just play the song "When Daddy Let Me Drive," by Alan Jackson...
"A young girl, two hands on the wheel, I can't replace the way it, made me feel, And he'd say, turn it left now, and steer it right, Straighten up girl now, you're doin' just fine, Just a lil' valley by the river where we'd ride, But I was high on a mountain, when daddy let me drive"
Are you singing it yet? Well, that's exactly how I remember learning how to drive.
That fall, November 1, 1998, my dad was killed in a work accident. To make a long story short - he was an electrician, and while testing some wires, one short circuited and he was gone.
That was, hands down, the hardest day of my entire life.
For 10 years I dealt with the grief of losing my dad and on the 10 year anniversary of his death, I realized that I needed to live my life and not let the grief consume me anymore. See, I had convinced myself that when I stopped hurting, when I moved on, he would be gone, and I would forget. And that was my biggest fear.
But somehow, I managed to get past the grief - and I felt good - and I quickly learned that getting past that grief didn't mean that I had forgotten. I'll never forget, but now I am able to focus on more then just his death.
On March 24, 2009, 5 months after the 10 year anniversary of my father's death, I bought a book while out running errands. The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. How do I remember that - well, I used the receipt as a bookmark - that's how. I started reading it the next day when I was at the bus stop, waiting for Kirsten's school bus.
You might think I am exaggerating at this next part but I swear to you it's the truth - pg 17, "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand," and then my phone rang. My brother had been in an accident, critical condition, they were looking for my stepmom. I was frantic - trying to get everything straight. The minutes flew by as I tried to figure out what was going on, trying to get in touch with people,....
And then my phone rang again - He was gone.
To make another long story short - my brother had been working on a dump truck, when the bed of the truck fell - killing him.
This one year anniversary has hit me rather hard. Perhaps it's the fact that this is the second person in my immediate family to die - but not just die - die in a tragic accident. Maybe I just don't deal with grief well. Maybe it's because I never dealt with it to begin with since I found out I was pregnant a few days later and I had to push my grief aside because I was too scared of losing a baby too. It's probably a little of all of it.
But I do have some comfort. My family is not a "religious" family. (Yet somehow I fell in love with and married a pastor's kid) I started going to church around 9th grade or so, but my family didn't come. Yet that Sunday before March 25, 2009, my brother went to church - for the first time that I know of... but not just any church - my father-n-law's church. And my father-n-law gave an invitation that Sunday and AJ accepted. That was three days before he died.
I can't tell you this side of Heaven why certain people have to die when they do. As I sit here today on this 1st anniversary of AJ's death - I might cry my eyes out all day long - and I have - because I know he is gone and I miss him - But I know where he is and I know I will get to see him again. Yes - I have seen tragedy in my life, but I've also been blessed way beyond what I have ever deserved!
But I take comfort in the promise of Jesus, "I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die." John 11:25-26
My God is great & He keeps His promises.
Someday I'll see you again AJ...
I'll see you again.
